cassildra: "Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here.  If you've already abandoned hope, disregard this notice" (lol: abandon hope)
Thanks for your concern about my health, everyone. I really appreciate the helpful comments I got on the entry before last.

My meds came in today, so tomorrow should be a return to what constitutes normal around here. :)
cassildra: "Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here.  If you've already abandoned hope, disregard this notice" (lol: abandon hope)
I am on the end of day 3 without my antidepressants, and it's been longer than that for the bipolar meds. Tomorrow will be day four.

I AM SO FUCKING MANIC THAT I DON'T KNOW HOW I WILL SLEEP. Someone come hit me with a rubber mallet.

God I hope I can function at work tomorrow better than I did today; the withdrawal has been.... really shitty, let's just say.

I've been spelling "withdrawal" as "withdrawl" and... I dunno.

I'm going to go finish reading links I have open and then go to bed. Night world! See you from Bruegger's tomorrow.
cassildra: A silver pegasus on a purple shield. (Default)
I saw this meme in [ profile] shadesong's journal, and ...well, I live with a couple of invisible illnesses as well. So here, have an actually relevant meme! It is Invisible Illness Awareness Week, after all.

1. The illness I live with is: Migraines.

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 1999

3. But I had symptoms since: Unknown. I'd been making jokes about "morning sickness" since middle school--I would wake up, be nauseous while brushing my teeth, and go to school as the spaciest thing that ever did space. Looking back, I'd been having minor migraine problems for years, affecting my balance and concentration.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: That's a hard question. I miss writing. I'm not as independent as I once was. I hate being dependent on friends, lovers, and the government for my survival.

5. Most people assume: That a migraine is just a headache. It really isn't. There's aura, photo- and phono-sensitivity, nausea/vomiting, and pain. That's not counting the side effects, like the inability to concentrate, innate forgetfulness, and deep-seated frustration due to these issues.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Opening my eyes and getting out of bed.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: House. Migraines are usually treated as a symptom of something else, but from what I understand, it's pretty true to life.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: I don't really have one. I remember my medications pretty well... I guess I live for blackout curtains. Migraines + light = badness.

9. The hardest part about nights are: It depends on the night, but when I have a really bad migraine, it's really hard sleeping next to someone who snores. It's also impossible to get comfortable, so sleeping on the couch isn't an option, and I'm strangely clingy when I'm not feeling well. I usually deal with the pain from the noise and keep part of my body touching [ profile] blackpaladin for a small bit of comfort.

10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins: On average, 3.

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Adore massage. A lot of my migraines are also related to tension and stress, so massage is beautiful.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Well. It depends on the illness! I wish there was some visible sign of my illness so people could understand why I'm not working, say, or why I can't do some thing. (I agree with [ profile] shadesong on this one, wholeheartedly.)

13. Regarding working and career: I've lost part time jobs due to my illnesses, both the depression and the migraines. They feed into each other, so when I get a migraine, I get depressed because I know I won't be able to work to my full potential, even if I feel well enough to get out of bed.

14. People would be surprised to know: That I have something called "daily headache". I have some degree of migraine every day. I only really bring it up if I feel particularly bad, or have to go down the basement stairs. (I am deathly afraid of basement stairs anywhere. There usually isn't a decent stair rail to the basement, and the stairs are bare, and there's more chance of injury should I lose my balance.)

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: I can't concentrate. I forget things. I don't want to be the space-case forgetful person I've become, because it's hard to explain that no, I didn't used to be this way, and yes, I realize I'm screwing up but I can't help it. I'm not healthy. I'm doing the best I can.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Move out of my parent's spare bedroom. Small steps are good.

17. The commercials about my illness: I've never seen one. (Agreeing with 'song again.)

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Writing. Being an extrovert. Enjoying parties without hiding in a corner and people-watching.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: Caffeine and all-nighters. I'm a gamer geek, and living off of those two things are practically in the job description.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Making jewelry-grade chain mail. It's involved enough that I can feel accomplished, but easy enough that if I need to space out while doing it, I can.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Not want it. Because the following day would be far too painful. (Agreeing with 'song again.)

22. My illness has taught me: You can be young and healthy-looking, and yet still be so, so ill. It's hard to explain to anyone who's never had a migraine, let alone anything like my worst period. (At one point, I was having 3-4 migraines a week with rebound, meaning that I couldn't function.)

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: "You don't look sick." Well, usually, neither does a cancer patient who's not undergoing chemotherapy.

24. But I love it when people: Don't hassle me about having to take care of myself in ways that are less fun for all involved.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: "I have a sickness in the brain. I'm allowed to make no sense to you puny mortals with your fully operational head-meat."
--Spider Jerusalem (Again with the agreeing and the 'song and the yes, but I have another, too.) "When you're going through hell, keep going."
-Winston Churchill

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: It's terrible, but it's survivable with the right treatment. You may not like who you have to become, but you won't change terribly much.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: How it insinuates itself into every aspect of your life. (Yep, 'song said it best.)

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Lent me sunglasses so I could survive my day in school. (I was almost immediately told to take them off, but the thought counted a hell of a lot.)

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: Too often invisible illnesses are ignored - but they impact lives in a big way. Be aware. ('song says, 'song says)

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Honored, and a bit blessed that people care enough to take time out of their day to read this.
cassildra: Fry from Futurama saying "this is weak" (futurama: this is weak)
Tomorrow I've got an MRI for my back. I'm kind of afraid of what they'll find. I do not want surgery. ahaha i write about this and my back twinges oh god
cassildra: A silver pegasus on a purple shield. (generic: mask)
I'm apparently much more snappish than I'd originally thought, what with the pain and medications and whatnot. I'll be reading LJ, but I likely won't comment much until I'm not needing the Vicodin so regularly. Sorry if I've offended anyone and haven't had a chance to talk it over with you.
cassildra: "I guess a robot would have to be pretty crazy to want to be a folk singer" by Bender (futurama: robot folk singer)
In bullet points, for easy perusal!


+ Met [ profile] s00j, [ profile] vixyish and Tony, and [ profile] seananmcguire in person!
+ Kissed [ profile] filkertom. Twice. :D
+ Saw an [ profile] sweetmusic_27! Amy is my favorite because she loves me and offers much-needed pain meds.
+ Met a [ profile] benet and realized that Amy and I have a similar type. oh dear. XD
+ Watched [ profile] blackpaladin win an ARC of Rosemary and Rue by Seanan, which I promptly lost myself in on the ride home. Review forthcoming (under a cut for Seanan's sanity, because we love our pretty little dead girl).
+ Got a Miskatonic U tee shirt.
+ Got drunk without puking! Also, S&R post forthcoming.
+ Had amazing prime rib and excellent conversation.
+ For the most part, behaved like a rational human being and not a bitch on wheels.
+ Filk concert block omg omg omg Seanan played Dear Gina omg omg omg~
+ Skipping room parties on Friday to hang out with Amy and Seanan. Also, pimpkin vodka.

o Spent Saturday night in the hotel room instead of partying, but the reasoning is solid, and also SLEEP. AT A CON.
o Wore corset, got hit on. Changed into normal clothes, had desperate guy tell me it looked like I wasn't wearing a bra. Used Trevor as deflection from creepy guy who wanted laid. Thanks honey.

Cons: (hurr, yes, I see it)
- Back spasm from hell.
- Eight hour car ride after said spasm.

Spasm issues:
o Morphine. It was so bad they gave me the good shit.
- Ending con weekend in Shadyside ER
- Missing room parties on Saturday due to serious ow.
- Pilfering some of Amy's pain medication so I could sleep Saturday and survive the ride home Sunday.

I'm still stoned and I could likely ramble for... pages, so I'm going to go sleep this off. But yes, this weekend was awesome, and I managed to stay mostly pleasant despite being on the verge of tears for most of it. Also, omg, omg, Rosemary and Rue. You urban fantasy lovers will drool over the awesome when it's released September 1.

I hate my back, fyi.
cassildra: A silver pegasus on a purple shield. (Default)
Woke up and felt really oogy this morning. It ended up being some massive dehydration--I was seriously sick at work last night. It's been an interesting day--I feel much better, but I've also gone through a lot of gatorade.

I don't have much to say, actually. Just wanted to toss a quick update at ya.

Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today!
cassildra: A silver pegasus on a purple shield. (sports night: thoughtful natalie)
The last two days have been full of surprises. Yesterday I found out my bank account was overdrawn, so I ran to the bank on 5th in Oakland and dropped money in there so I wouldn't end up ridonkulously poor. Then, I had my first appointment with my new PCP, and she's being wonderful and checking into why my pulse and heart rate have been elevated lately. It may be something with my heart, or it may be a medicine thing. I've got an echo and some bloodwork to get taken care of later this week.

This morning I got up to check my bank account, and instead of having something like $15, I had close to $2,000. I looked to see if the cute bank guy accidentally credited me too much, but apparently the government has decided to give me back pay. I have money I literally have to spend before the government gets mad about the total of my checking account. (It has to do with my disability, or something. The government is stupid.)

I also found out that my brother, Thomas, is dating a Wiccan. Considering that he's the redneck of the family, I'm amazed.

I think I'm going to have a heart attack if something else shocks me today.
cassildra: A silver pegasus on a purple shield. (generic: ri-god-damn-diculous!)
Dear body,

I can kind of understand where the panic attacks are coming from, even if I hate them with a fiery passion and end up an emotional wreck. But, really, why have you allowed the migraines to change to a more dizzy and vomit-y form? This is the last thing I need right now. I'm trying to be less of a mess, and yet you don't let me do that.

Is it a stress thing, or are you being ridiculously vindictive about something? I want to be able to feel healthy for more than a day at a stretch.

I have appointments set for a visit to my PCP and my neurologist, and I've called around to find a counselor, but... damn it, why now?

Grudging love,
cassildra: A silver pegasus on a purple shield. (sailor moon: usagi sleeping)
I feel terrible because of back pain. I'm going to suck it up and take a Vicodin. If you need me for some reason or another, and you have my cell number, feel free to call. Otherwise, I will most likely be on this evening while [ profile] blackpaladin is at his Amber game.

Or, you know, I'll be sleeping. Stupid me screwing up my back on the 10th anniversary of the Powerpuff Girls... I'mma miss the marathon! :(

Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today!
cassildra: A silver pegasus on a purple shield. (library: kitty)
It just isn't fucking fair.

So, I lost my voice, right, and I blamed it on the creeping con crud because hey, I just got back from one. Whatever, I'll feel better in a few days, right? Except that it's turning into a sinus infection. I call Mom this morning (I requested to be dropped off at [ profile] blackpaladin's instead of home because, well, I missed the guy!) and her immediate reply is, "Oh, that's because of the cats."

I love cats, especially [ profile] blackpaladin's and [ profile] finnaharpar/[ profile] lrstrobel's. So now, if I'm smart, I'll stay home until this clears up. However, I just spent the last four days homesick for my boyfriend, so I probably won't be particularly smart. I've got a bit of money left over from selling a necklace at the meet (and, in a surprise move, I got paid for staffing! I almost cried!). I can stock up on some good 24-hour allergy stuff, I'm sure, unless my mental math is off from leaving my roommate money for the hotel room.

On top of all of this, I have nausea from post-nasal drip. Grand. Ooh, and my (nominally) main KoL account seems to have been deactivated despite me having had a number of Mr. Store items in my inventory during rollover numerous times! Either that or I fucked up and forgot the password again, but I don't think so. It was one of my (numerous) defaults...

Oh, before I forget, congrats again, [ profile] tealsac! Here's hoping I get a wedding invite, even if I can't afford to make it. <3

Okay, I'm experimenting with mixing Sencha Green tea with Peppermint, so I'm going to go drink that and grump at my television with my non-voice while loving up on my various fleece blankets. I should also make some form of toast or something, but I'm honestly afraid to eat. Yay, post-nasal drip!

Oh, and also: [ profile] archmage_brian, I can't afford to doctor it up until tomorrow. Is there any way I can treat this myself without having to go visit said doc? I am as bad as guys stereotypically get about visiting the doctor, it's true, and it's fucking cold outside. I don't want to walk the few blocks to my doctor's office while I feel like this. (You may call it lazy, I call it I don't feel good and Dad's on chemo.) I am resisting the temptation to go into a rant on why I hate doctors but that will take too long and I need TEA. Apparently the 5(+?) cups I had at Chez Strobel during the game yesterday didn't kill me on the stuff like I thought. (Although I will go and pick up more honey for them next time I get paid, because I feel bad about using so much, and no you can't stop me.)

Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today!

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