cassildra: Score! (music: score!)
I mean, I kick ass for a number of reasons, but tonight--tonight I am victorious, you see.

After not sleeping last night for some unknown reason, I woke up this morning and did not have a migraine, much to my surprise. This was excellent! So I got ready and trundled off to Bruegger's Bagels before work, had breakfast, got free coffee, and generally enjoyed messing with my iPod for 45 minutes.

I got to work around 8:30 and felt like I was going to throw up. I took my anti-nausea pill and prayed that it was the end of it. The head pain hit about an hour later, and then I decided to take my actual migraine meds.

The fucking thing finally broke around 3:30 this afternoon. I spent 75% or more of my day trying desperately not to throw up, and I succeeded. I managed to stare at a computer screen and run a binding machine for 6 hours while feeling like I wanted to puke and then cry like a baby.

I am awesome and full of win.

That is all.
cassildra: A silver pegasus on a purple shield. (Default)
I saw this meme in [livejournal.com profile] shadesong's journal, and ...well, I live with a couple of invisible illnesses as well. So here, have an actually relevant meme! It is Invisible Illness Awareness Week, after all.


1. The illness I live with is: Migraines.

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 1999

3. But I had symptoms since: Unknown. I'd been making jokes about "morning sickness" since middle school--I would wake up, be nauseous while brushing my teeth, and go to school as the spaciest thing that ever did space. Looking back, I'd been having minor migraine problems for years, affecting my balance and concentration.

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: That's a hard question. I miss writing. I'm not as independent as I once was. I hate being dependent on friends, lovers, and the government for my survival.

5. Most people assume: That a migraine is just a headache. It really isn't. There's aura, photo- and phono-sensitivity, nausea/vomiting, and pain. That's not counting the side effects, like the inability to concentrate, innate forgetfulness, and deep-seated frustration due to these issues.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Opening my eyes and getting out of bed.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: House. Migraines are usually treated as a symptom of something else, but from what I understand, it's pretty true to life.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: I don't really have one. I remember my medications pretty well... I guess I live for blackout curtains. Migraines + light = badness.

9. The hardest part about nights are: It depends on the night, but when I have a really bad migraine, it's really hard sleeping next to someone who snores. It's also impossible to get comfortable, so sleeping on the couch isn't an option, and I'm strangely clingy when I'm not feeling well. I usually deal with the pain from the noise and keep part of my body touching [livejournal.com profile] blackpaladin for a small bit of comfort.

10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins: On average, 3.

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Adore massage. A lot of my migraines are also related to tension and stress, so massage is beautiful.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Well. It depends on the illness! I wish there was some visible sign of my illness so people could understand why I'm not working, say, or why I can't do some thing. (I agree with [livejournal.com profile] shadesong on this one, wholeheartedly.)

13. Regarding working and career: I've lost part time jobs due to my illnesses, both the depression and the migraines. They feed into each other, so when I get a migraine, I get depressed because I know I won't be able to work to my full potential, even if I feel well enough to get out of bed.

14. People would be surprised to know: That I have something called "daily headache". I have some degree of migraine every day. I only really bring it up if I feel particularly bad, or have to go down the basement stairs. (I am deathly afraid of basement stairs anywhere. There usually isn't a decent stair rail to the basement, and the stairs are bare, and there's more chance of injury should I lose my balance.)

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: I can't concentrate. I forget things. I don't want to be the space-case forgetful person I've become, because it's hard to explain that no, I didn't used to be this way, and yes, I realize I'm screwing up but I can't help it. I'm not healthy. I'm doing the best I can.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Move out of my parent's spare bedroom. Small steps are good.

17. The commercials about my illness: I've never seen one. (Agreeing with 'song again.)

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Writing. Being an extrovert. Enjoying parties without hiding in a corner and people-watching.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: Caffeine and all-nighters. I'm a gamer geek, and living off of those two things are practically in the job description.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Making jewelry-grade chain mail. It's involved enough that I can feel accomplished, but easy enough that if I need to space out while doing it, I can.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Not want it. Because the following day would be far too painful. (Agreeing with 'song again.)

22. My illness has taught me: You can be young and healthy-looking, and yet still be so, so ill. It's hard to explain to anyone who's never had a migraine, let alone anything like my worst period. (At one point, I was having 3-4 migraines a week with rebound, meaning that I couldn't function.)

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: "You don't look sick." Well, usually, neither does a cancer patient who's not undergoing chemotherapy.

24. But I love it when people: Don't hassle me about having to take care of myself in ways that are less fun for all involved.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: "I have a sickness in the brain. I'm allowed to make no sense to you puny mortals with your fully operational head-meat."
--Spider Jerusalem (Again with the agreeing and the 'song and the yes, but I have another, too.) "When you're going through hell, keep going."
-Winston Churchill

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: It's terrible, but it's survivable with the right treatment. You may not like who you have to become, but you won't change terribly much.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: How it insinuates itself into every aspect of your life. (Yep, 'song said it best.)

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Lent me sunglasses so I could survive my day in school. (I was almost immediately told to take them off, but the thought counted a hell of a lot.)

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: Too often invisible illnesses are ignored - but they impact lives in a big way. Be aware. ('song says, 'song says)

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Honored, and a bit blessed that people care enough to take time out of their day to read this.
cassildra: A silver pegasus on a purple shield. (generic: ri-god-damn-diculous!)
Dear body,

I can kind of understand where the panic attacks are coming from, even if I hate them with a fiery passion and end up an emotional wreck. But, really, why have you allowed the migraines to change to a more dizzy and vomit-y form? This is the last thing I need right now. I'm trying to be less of a mess, and yet you don't let me do that.

Is it a stress thing, or are you being ridiculously vindictive about something? I want to be able to feel healthy for more than a day at a stretch.

I have appointments set for a visit to my PCP and my neurologist, and I've called around to find a counselor, but... damn it, why now?

Grudging love,
Me.
cassildra: A silver pegasus on a purple shield. (Default)
Last night was possibly the best Halloween ever. [livejournal.com profile] bluemoon_991 threw an amazing party, complete with watching TEH COOB and MSTing it, some very appropriate tarot card readings, lots of Rock Band (I'm amazed I still have a voice after that!), and the obligatory candy handing outage to kids who were trick or treating. One kid got a look at my costume and said, with wide eyes, "You're spaghetti!"

I should have given him two pieces. Unfortunately, I didn't answer the door when he knocked, so one piece it was.

I met a couple of new people; I failed to get Idaho's LJ, but [livejournal.com profile] blackpaladin and I had a lot of fun flirting at the party.

I ended up spending the night somewhere I didn't expect to, but things turned out really, really well in the end.

Surprisingly, I'm running on ... loltastic hours of sleep, as in less than 1 (because we all know that sleeping in strange places causes a Nicki to not sleep), and I don't have a migraine *knock on wood*. Let's hope that I can manage to make it two BOTH parties I swung an invite to (mainly because the second invite was scored by the Associative Property of Cool, and I've got to get my awesome on). So.. here's hoping I can find a picture of want I want to wear this evening, and can jury-rig the rest. If not, well, I guess I'll let [livejournal.com profile] trebo put me in a costume.

Scary thought, that.

If you happen to have pictures of me in the FSM costume, could you please email them? I would ♥ you forever. If you don't have my email, the address is on my profile.

I should probably go shower and then crash. Or, maybe it should be the other way around.

Oh, before I forget: [livejournal.com profile] tobydog and I have finally figured out what we're doing for my birthday. He's coming up with (I think he said [livejournal.com profile] finalphoenix, or else it was [livejournal.com profile] davidmcclelland...) for lunch. We'll probably go to Sushi Too for lunch, unless someone else knows of a better place. We'll end up going to Primanti Bros. for dinner, unless someone else has a great idea for good food.

We'll be celebrating on Dec. 31, because everyone who is coming home for break will be there, and that way we can all get drunk (well, depending on age/inclination toward boozahol) and hit Tom's to watch the ball drop. Yup. Ending the night at the shittiest diner chain in town. We all know we want to watch a ball laden with Swavorski crystals drop very slowly into the new year, amirite?

It's time for me to take a huge nap, so I leave you with today's dragons. Click to your heart's content.

Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today!

ETA: Migraine, if you're gonna hit, do it now so I can try to control it. Don't fuck around, please.

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